I jumped on the scales this morning and my what a pleasant surprise. Dayum gurrl!!! That running has been paying off. Then what do I do? I reward myself with three freshly made doughnuts and a pulled pork burger.
My appalling feast or famine diet however is not going to be the feature of this post. Chivalry will be. I am not talking medieval codes of combat so those of you ready to rant away about how it was really just a polite way of killing people, you can just keep it in your pants.
I am also not talking about having a man open every single door you walk through or pay for every single date you go on either. I am talking about general courtesy and doing things for people because it is the polite and respectful thing to do.
I always have a bitch and a moan about how some guys are dicks and treat girls so badly. One minute they are all over you then the next they suddenly stop talking to you and become incredibly elusive for no reason. I get so frustrated by their rudeness and lack of balls to just tell ladies the truth.
Here I was being all woe is me, boys are so awful, why am I perpetually attracted to emotion-phobes and dick heads? Then I stopped and for the first time I looked at my own actions.
I am far from innocent. I am ashamed to admit this. I have led some absolutely lovely young men with the most caring souls along longer than I really should have after I figured it wasn't meant to be. Why? Becuase I liked the attention? I liked the company? I think it was because I didn't have the lady balls to tell them the truth and potentially hurt their feelings. In reality, this makes me as bad if not worse than all the boys who have tossed me aside like an unwanted pamphlet as I know how much it hurts.
I met a boy who, to this day is one of the most thoughtful and caring people I have ever met. He had the most wonderful eyes and the most excellent fort craftsmanship I had ever seen. So while this well dressed boy from Grey Lynn appeared to be the package deal he just wasn't my package deal and it upsets me that this was the case.
He went overseas for ten days and during this time I came to the realisation that it wasn't meant to be. I know I really miss someone who is overseas when I find myself setting up a new time zone on my phone which I check each night before I go to sleep. I had no idea what the time was in Japan during any point of his travels.
So he arrived back in the country and a week had gone by and I still hadn't gone to say hi. I had made excuses like I was tired and had 6am starts (which I did) and had lots of work to do. I couldn't even rummage up the courage to do it in person so I text him. It took me half an hour to think of what to say. My flatmate found me sitting like a lost rag doll in the middle of my unmade bed.
I drove over later that day to return some things of his I had. Never had I hated myself so much as in that moment when I saw his face, his kind and considerate face. I felt like the biggest bitch of all time.
It was hard coming up with the courage to do that. I can see why I have been on the receiving end so many times. It is hard to hurt the feelings of a person who doesn't deserve to feel that way. I can see why avoiding the situation altogether and hoping it will blow over is the option most practiced.
How do we get ourselves into these situations in the first place though? As a female, I often find myself entering physically affectionate engagements way before I figure out if I am really truly drawn to a person. Maybe because I feel guilty for saying no to that kiss goodnight, like they will feel fully rejected rather than taking it as just going slow. So very quickly you find yourself in sticky situations where the suitor to be thinks you like them a lot more than what you actually do at that moment in time.
So maybe next time we wail to our girlfriends about all the heart breakers and trouble makers out there we should instead put ourselves in the guy (or girl's) shoes and think hey, would I have done the same?
In the mean time you can cover your feelings with these doughnuts. They are hella amazing (modesty is going out the window today sorry).
Custard and Raspberry Cream Doughnuts
Adapted from Treats from Little and Friday by Kim Evans
Makes 10 (plus four burnt attempts)
For the brioche dough:
2 teaspoons instant yeast
3 cups plain flour
1 teaspoon salt
¼ cup sugar
2 small eggs
70g butter, softened slightly, chopped into cubes
1L canola oil for frying
For the custard:
1/2 cup sugar
3 egg yolks
1/2 cup plain flour
1 teaspoon vanilla bean paste (or just plain old vanilla)
For the raspberry:
1 ½ cups frozen raspberries
¼ cup sugar
Icing sugar for dusting
Heat the raspberries and sugar in a small saucepan over a medium heat. Stir until the fruit has defrosted, the sugar dissolved and a syrupy delight formed (about five minutes). Remove from the heat and leave to cool, then refrigerate.
To make the custard, warm the milk over a medium heat In a large saucepan. Heat until warm. Whisk together the sugar,egg yolks and vanilla until pale (I use an electric beater or my stand mixer for this). Add in the flour and beat until smooth. While still beating, slowly pour in the milk. Once all the milk has been added and the egg mixture dispersed, return the custard back to the saucepan. Continuously stir the custard with a spatula over a lowish heat. Heat until the custard is nice and thick. Remove from the stove and refrigerate so that it sets.
To make the brioche, mix together the flour, yeast, sugar and salt. Whisk together the milk and eggs then slowly pour and stir into the dry ingredients. You can do this by hand or with a mixer. Knead the dough for about ten minutes, until it is smooth. Then knead in small amounts of butter, cube at a time until it has all been blended in. This will be tedious so I really recommend using a dough hook. Let the dough rise in a warm place until it has doubled in size.
Pour the oil 5cm deep into a small saucepan. Turn on the heat to a quarter of the maximum and leave for ten minutes. The ideal temperature is just below 180 degrees.
Roll the dough out until it is about 1cm thick. Take a 10cm circular cookie cutter and cut out circles. Experiment with the first disc of dough. Place it in the oil and set the timer for two minutes. The dough should puff up and the side submerged in oil should be no darker than a golden brown. If it is really dark, turn down the temperature to low. Flip the doughnut and cook for a further two minutes on the other side. Once cooked, remove and leave to drain on a cooling rack. Repeat this process for the rest of your doughnuts. You will probably need to keep adjusting the temperature.
Once all your dough babies have been cooked and have fully cooled, it is time to fill them! Stab one end with a knife and use the end of a spoon to wiggle out a cavity in each one. Fill a piping bag with a small nozzle attached with raspberry and pipe each doughnut with about a tablespoon’s worth. With another large tipped clean piping bag, fill the doughnuts with a good squeeze of custard. Then liberally coat each doughnut in icing sugar.
Enjoy and prepare to look like a cocaine fiend with each bite you take.